The Difference Between Showing Up and Competing

I can't tell you what Elena was talking about at dinner that night in Mexico.

Can't remember what we ordered, what the restaurant looked like, or even which resort we were at.

All I remember is the look on her face when she realized I wasn't listening. Again.

And the sinking feeling in my gut when I realized I was doing the same thing I hated seeing someone do at football practice years earlier - showing up without actually being there.

The Practice-to-Practice Problem

Texas heat. Spring ball. Games were months away.

I showed up to practice. I went through the drills. I logged the reps.

But if I'm honest there were days that my intensity was gone and my focus was somewhere else, since I saw games as months away.

I wasn't trying to get better - I was trying to get through it as the backup QB. Survive the heat. Get to the locker room.

I was there. But I wasn't competing.

Fast forward twenty years. Different arena. Same problem.

Sitting across from my wife at a beach resort - a trip we saved for, planned for, looked forward to - and my mind was running through sales strategies from a book I'd read. Trying to figure out how to grow the business. Solving tomorrow's problems during tonight's dinner.

Elena asked me where I was. Not physically - she could see I was sitting right there. But she knew. I was checked out.

Presence Without Attention Is Just Proximity

Showing up is the bare minimum.

It's the baseline. It's what you do when you're just trying not to fail.

Competing? That's what separates the relationships that survive from the ones that thrive.

Research backs this up.

Studies on relationship quality show that couples who prioritize quality time - defined as undivided attention and meaningful engagement - report better communication, higher trust, and greater satisfaction than those who simply spend more time in the same physical space.

It's not about logging hours. It's about the intention you bring.

Sitting at the dinner table while scrolling Instagram isn't quality time. Being at the game but mentally at the office isn't engagement. Saying "I love you" while thinking about tomorrow's to-do list isn't connection.

Showing up = Being there physically

Competing = Being there completely

And during this busy season? The difference matters more than ever.

Three Ways to Compete This Holiday Season

Here's what I'm doing differently now - not because I've figured it all out, but because I've learned what it costs when I don't:

1. Create 10-Minute No-Phone Windows

When I get home, my phone goes in the drawer. Ten minutes. That's it.

No checking notifications. No "just one quick email." Just fully there with Elena.

You'd be shocked how much those ten minutes mean when you're actually present for them.

2. Make Greetings and Goodbyes Sacred

I stopped the drive-by "hey" while already thinking about what's next.

Now? I look Elena in the eye. I ask her a real question. I give her thirty seconds of undivided attention.

Small shift. Massive impact.

3. Choose One "Compete" Moment Per Day

I don't try to fix everything. I just pick one interaction each day where I'm going to be fully engaged.

Maybe it's dinner. Maybe it's the first fifteen minutes after work. Maybe it's before bed.

One intentional moment daily builds more connection than sporadic grand gestures.

If I prepare for every sixty-minute keynote like it matters - studying my audience, rehearsing my stories, making sure every minute counts - why would I wing the most important sixty minutes of my day?

The busy season doesn't care about your relationships. Holiday parties don't protect your connection. Year-end deadlines won't pause for family time.

You have to compete for it. Intentionally. Daily.

Showing up without competing doesn't just waste your time - it wastes theirs.

Your family doesn't need you to be everywhere. They need you to be somewhere.

They'd rather have twenty minutes of your full attention than two hours of your distracted presence.

So this holiday season, ask yourself: Am I competing or just showing up?

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Jake Thompson is a keynote speaker on competitive mindset who works with sales-led organizations, construction teams, and associations to build high-performance cultures that compete every day through the C.O.M.P.E.T.E. Framework®, inspiring keynote programs, and practical systems that turn inconsistent results into sustained excellence.