The Silent Culture Killer (And How to Fix It)
I was sitting in a marriage counselor's office seven years ago, feeling like this relationship might not work.
My wife had just finished explaining - again - how frustrated she was with things that I did. I was genuinely confused as I tried to explain everything I was doing.
The counselor looked at me with that knowing smile therapists perfect over years of practice. "Jake, what does 'helping with dishes' mean to you?"
I described my plate-in-dishwasher routine.
"And what does it mean to your wife?"
My wife listed: clearing the entire table, loading everything properly, wiping down counters, starting the dishwasher, and putting away leftovers.
We'd been fighting about the same thing for months - but we were fighting about completely different things.
That's when it hit me: We weren't failing at doing the work. We were failing at defining the work.
The Leadership Mirror
Fast-forward to last month. I'm coaching an entrepreneur who's ready to fire his executive assistant after six weeks. "She's not following directions," he tells me. "I'm crystal clear about what I want, but she's not delivering."
Sound familiar?
Here's what we discovered when we dug deeper: He was giving her tasks like "handle my calendar" and "manage my emails." In his head, that meant specific protocols, response times, and priorities. In her head, it meant... well, she was guessing.
A 2023 Gallup study found that only 41% of employees strongly agree they know what's expected of them at work.
Only 41%.
That means nearly 60% of your team is guessing what you want. They're showing up every day trying to win a game where no one explained the rules.
Where Expectations Go to Die
Most leadership conflict isn't about effort or ability. It's about clarity.
We create these detailed expectations in our heads - how fast someone should respond to emails, what "taking ownership" actually looks like, how prepared someone should be for meetings. Then we get frustrated when people don't meet standards they never knew existed.
It's like being angry at a football player for not running the right route when you never taught them the playbook.
This connects directly to the C in our COMPETE framework - Clarify. You can't win a game when no one knows what winning looks like. Your team can't compete effectively when the rules keep changing or were never explained in the first place.
The Three-Step Expectation Reset
Here's what saved my marriage and transformed how I lead:
1. Define the Finish Line:
Stop saying "handle this" and start saying "here's exactly what success looks like." I now create Loom videos walking through each step of tasks I assign. Yes, it takes more time upfront. But it saves hours of frustration and rework later.
2. Set Standards, Not Just Goals:
Goals are what you want to achieve. Standards are how you behave along the way. Response times, preparation levels, communication norms - spell it out. High-performing teams don't just know where they're going; they know how they travel together.
3. Make Expectations a Daily Practice:
At the end of every task assignment or meeting, ask: "Can you tell me in your own words what I'm asking for?" Put the responsibility on them to repeat it back. Adjust if needed. You'll both know you're on the same page.
Today's Move
Pick one area where you've been frustrated with someone's performance. Before you have another "feedback conversation," ask yourself: Have I been crystal clear about what I actually expect?
Then schedule 15 minutes to clarify those expectations. Be specific about what, when, and how. Watch how quickly the "performance issues" disappear.
The best leaders don't have teams that guess less. They have teams that guess zero because clarity eliminates the need for guessing.
Jake Thompson is a motivational keynote speaker on competitive mindset who works with sales-led organizations, construction teams, and associations to build high-performance cultures that compete every day through the C.O.M.P.E.T.E. Framework®, inspiring keynote programs, and practical systems that turn inconsistent results into sustained excellence.
