Why Leaders Confuse Their Skills with Their Worth (And How to Stop)

I'll never forget that practice.

The anger and embarrassment welling up as tears I fought to keep inside. Driving home that day, I was ready to "retire" from the game I loved. I told my friend the next day in class that I was going to ride out the rest of the season and quit.

"I don't like it anymore," was the line I used.

The truth? I was humiliated.

It had been a normal practice, but something was off. I couldn't complete passes that were routine the day before. The harder I forced throws, the worse they got. The physical struggles turned mental as I "got in my own head" and fumbled two snaps.

My quarterback coach - one of the most influential men in my life - ripped into me the way a coach should when one of his players isn't locked in.

I wanted to crawl into a hole as my teammates watched. I was ashamed and embarrassed.

I remember never wanting to feel that way again, so I told myself I'd quit when the season ended.

The problem wasn't the coaching I received. My problem was confusing feedback on my performance with an attack on my worth as a person.

When Your Ego Hijacks Feedback

That story from my junior year stayed buried until earlier this year, when a fellow speaker asked me to reach out to our mutual client for feedback on her recent program.

When I asked why she couldn't, she said, "I don't think it went very well and I'm afraid of what they'll say."

When she said that, I was transported back to that practice field. Like I had then, my friend was worried about feedback being a mark on her as a person versus on her skills.

This is what I call the Identity-Performance Confusion - and it's killing your growth as a leader.

Here's the brutal truth: Who you are is not what you do.

What you do - manage, sell, present, coach, write - is a skill. All skills can be improved. When you tie your identity to your performance, you create an impossible game where every piece of feedback becomes a threat to your worth.

The Competitor's Choice: Growth vs. Ego Protection

Every time you receive feedback, you face what I call The Competitor's Choice: Will you compete to get better, or will you protect your ego?

Most leaders choose protection. They avoid feedback, make excuses when things go wrong, or get defensive when someone points out areas for improvement.

But here's what competitors understand: Feedback is data, not judgment.

In our COMPETE framework, this falls under "Observe" - knowing the rules of your game. You can't win if you don't know how points are scored, and you can't improve if you don't know where you're missing the mark.

Elite performers don't just tolerate feedback - they hunt for it. Why? Because they've separated their skills from their identity.

The Fixed vs. Growth Mindset in Leadership

Carol Dweck's research reveals the difference between leaders who thrive and those who plateau:

Fixed-mindset leaders avoid feedback because they see it as a threat to their competence. They think abilities are static, so criticism feels like an indictment of who they are.

Growth-mindset leaders seek feedback because they see it as fuel for improvement. They know abilities can be developed, so criticism becomes valuable intelligence.

The difference isn't talent or intelligence - it's how they view the relationship between feedback and identity.

Three Steps to Separate Skills from Worth

1. Reframe the Language

Stop saying "I'm terrible at presentations" and start saying "My presentation skills need work." The first attacks your identity. The second identifies an opportunity.

2. Track Skills Like Statistics

Athletes don't take a bad shooting night personally - they study film and adjust their technique. Treat your leadership skills the same way. Bad quarter? Poor team meeting? Failed project launch? Study the tape and extract lessons.

3. Welcome Productive Friction

In your environment (the "E" in COMPETE), surround yourself with people who will tell you the truth. Average performers want to be left alone. Great performers want to be coached. Elite performers want to be told the truth - even when it stings.

The Hidden Cost of Identity-Performance Confusion

When leaders confuse who they are with how they perform, three things happen:

You stop growing. Fear of feedback creates blind spots that compound over time. You can't improve what you won't examine.

Your team stops growing. If you can't handle feedback, how can you expect to give it effectively? Your discomfort with criticism makes you avoid the tough conversations your people need.

You model the wrong behavior. Your team watches how you respond to setbacks. When you take feedback personally, you teach them to do the same.

The Daily Practice of Separation

Here's how to practice this separation every day:

• Morning Question: "What specific skill will I compete to improve today?"

• Feedback Filter: When receiving criticism, ask "What can I extract from this to get better?" instead of "What does this say about me?"

• Evening Review: "How did I respond to feedback today - as a competitor or as someone protecting their ego?"

You vs. You: The Ultimate Competition

Remember, your real competition isn't with other leaders, other teams, or other companies. It's You vs. You - yesterday's version competing with today's version.

When you separate your skills from your worth, feedback becomes your ally instead of your enemy. Every critique becomes intelligence you can use to beat yesterday's performance.

Your worth as a human being has nothing to do with your quarterly results, your presentation skills, or your management effectiveness. Those are just games you're learning to play better.

But your willingness to improve those skills? That's everything.

The question isn't whether you'll receive feedback today - you will. The question is: Will you use it to compete, or will you let it send you into hiding?

Choose competition. Your future self is counting on it.

How do you separate feedback on your performance from your worth as a person? What practices help you stay in growth mode when criticism stings?